I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
oh you wanna fight?!
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The first matador
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
(more comics:
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon