[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Cat.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I can fix him.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet