me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends