Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen