please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.