7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
accurate
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now