Beware…..
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Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why I divorced her.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women