Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Just me?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.