Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.