I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
groan^2
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.