In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
#inspiration #foodforthought
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.