I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I can’t stop laughing at this
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I bet
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.