I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
this post was so formative to me
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.