Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.