A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Dance like you’re not the father
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
When you’ve simply given up.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead