Pigeon open mic night.
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.