I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
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I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!