Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now