Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.