My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza