My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
fourth time’s the charm
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan