“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
You Might Also Like
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?