Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Anime is real
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Not all heroes wear capes…
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.