Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
You Might Also Like
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me too, bag. Me too….
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep