Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.