incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
How it started: How it’s going:
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
peak technology
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Denise please return my vape pen
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.