Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You Might Also Like
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups