Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.