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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman