Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
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I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me at 20: i鈥檒l do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it鈥檚 all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Risking my life for fun.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
the answer was staring at me all along
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Elton John: 馃幍Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday馃幍
Me: Jesus Christ, we鈥檙e just going bowling.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend鈥檚 body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
i have one speed and it鈥檚 mosey
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that鈥檚 what my wife calls me
Sorry we can鈥檛 be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points