I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!