Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Ken is short for chicken
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”