I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
But is it really??
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Tier 3 meme
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab