My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?