The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.