I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
You Might Also Like
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.