Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Pretty much! 😂👀
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.