Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Why is everyone getting married at me
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.