Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
It was worth a shot 😂
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets