Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Well, shit