if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Straight people are cancelled
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
He’s cranky this morning
‘I know a black person’
– White people
LOL!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.