people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.