Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.