“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Pizza is an emotion right?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.