I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Made something I’m not proud of
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
found my next D&D character name
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.