[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You Might Also Like
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
john wicks are toilet candles
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney