A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Yoga Matt
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.