Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”