Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.