I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
You Might Also Like
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.