Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I drew y’all a little something.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”